Kanda:

Me:

-

{- ✶ -} Of all the things he could have said— of all the fucking things that could have come out of that mouth. It had to be those words he least expected. The words neither dared to really utter to the other, not genuinely, at least. A misplaced or sarcastic I love you was more plausible coming from either of them than an actual apology.
            “You’re what—” Lavi chokes on his own breath, starting to feel lightheaded. Where had this gone, and how? So quickly…

           This wasn’t how he imagined this going. Not that he’d imagined kissing Kanda— much. He’d told himself it was just his overactive imagination— teenage desires attaching themselves to whomever he found himself closest to. Because it hadn’t just been Kanda— even if it was mostly Kanda. They were the same age. That’s what it was. 

           He knows this can only go badly for both of them— that it’ll drown them in despair as time ticks on. It’s compromise their professional relationship. Tch. What relationship— but he still wants to back away. Run away from this because he doesn’t want to hurt Kanda— but doesn’t running go against his principles? Is a handful of happy memories worth the pain that will ultimately come after?

                                                  Yes. The answer is yes.

           It’s settled, then. Their first kiss can’t be some half-committed brush. Lavi won’t allow that— he grabs the dark-haired man by his lapels and pulls him close. It’s not like he’s inexperienced, but he cares so much about Kanda— his heart is pounding so hard he feels like he’s going to pass out. So the end result is clumsy, but heated and Lavi’s cheeks nearly match his hair.
          “We’re fucked.” Are the words whispered against thin lips, Lavi hadn’t let go of Kanda’s shirt. He’s not sure he knows how, he’s not sure he can— it’s like his body’s locked in place, but he’s not sure he cares to move.

~ ✾

.Kanda stared into the glittering, deep green eye, now really wishing to see the other.It was silly wasn’t it, his closeness to Lavi suddenly brought all sorts of questions to his mind, silly trivial things like,what his favorite color was,or his favorite movie.He wanted nothing more than a normal future for them.In an instant he could see them, living normal lives.

Him in a bussiness suit-like the other had mused- taking the train to work together.Having a 1LDK together, cramped, but they wouldn’t care.Going to a real highschool, walking together every morning, and in the spring-cliched as it was- walking under the 櫻 .Lavi would often forget his lunch, and beg to have some of his. Dumbass,should have woken up earlier.

But before his delusions could continue,Lavi was grabbing him, pressing their lips together for a second time,nearly missing.It was so hot and desperate, like Lavi was trusting him with a very important secret- and he was. Kanda brought his hands up to the others chest, resting one over his heart and the other clutching at his shoulder.The resonance of his heart reminded him of his previous fears.Why he didn’t want this to even begin.But that didn’t matter now.Nothing really did, not with them so close, finally.

“ 私は知っているが、私はあなたを愛しています。 “

He replied, speaking softly and quickly-hoping he would miss it.

{- ✶ -} Lavi sees it now– the wishful thoughts of a normal life that had flitted through his own mind, he can see them flashing through behind dark blue orbs. How much they both wished that things could be that simple– that their problems could be so menial. How both wished they fought over who hogged the covers, or paid for a meal– instead of which person they loved would die today, and whose fault that was. 

           If only things could be that simple. Maybe, they could be happy. Maybe they could be happy together. Lavi takes in a shaky breath– he hasn’t been pushed away. He hasn’t tried anything like this since that day. He tried to just go back to being friends, but those feelings– they’d been there a few years, hadn’t they? He’d grown desperately attached, even when they went months without seeing one another. He would always find himself worrying about Kanda when he was on missions with a partner who wasn’t himself. Or Allen. He trusted Allen. Kanda was– reckless, in a way. It made Lavi nervous. 

           He was glad that Kanda understood exactly what that kiss was, what it meant. Despite hiding everything behind his calm and teasing facade– Lavi had those same fears. Those same worries, and he understood what it sounded like when someone said something that they didn’t wish someone to hear. He’ll play dumb, for now. Because he loves that boy right back, But, he doesn’t need to say it for Kanda to know. At least, he doesn’t think he does.
           "Did you just call me something nasty in Japanese, Yuu-chan?” He asks, with a small smile, “I didn’t quite catch that.”